


without you i'm a lost boy

by rocketshiptospace



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Modern day Peter Pan!AU, coffee shop!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketshiptospace/pseuds/rocketshiptospace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s just, Ashton makes him feel alive. Luke’s always been hell bent on growing up and being an adult and going to college and achieving things that he always sort of forgot to enjoy his childhood until he thought it was too late.</p><p>But Ashton shows him it’s never too late to have fun and be a little bit childish and it’s really refreshing.</p><p>He needed this, he needed someone to show him how to be a kid before he goes off after the summer to go and be a proper adult and he’s grateful for it.</p><p>or, the modern day peterpan/coffee shop au no one really asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [extracynical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/extracynical/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [Без тебя я потерянный мальчик.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2061840) by [miller891](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miller891/pseuds/miller891)



> i feel so bad for not posting any fic for so long but i've been pretty busy and just gaaah ;__; 
> 
> like this is not even finished yet but i thought i should at least post the first part to let you guys know i haven't completely dissapeared of the surface of the earth ;p
> 
> but yeah this fic is for my bae [chelle](http://itssopunkrock.tumblr.com) because she is pretty much the reason this fic even exists in the first place and i love her loads <333
> 
> titel from 5sos's lost boy because duh
> 
> also the story line of like modern day peter pan is kind of based on this which i highly suggest watchting because its the best thing ever omfg

Luke is so ready to get out of here.

He’s been living in this shitty town for all his life, always dreaming of bigger and better things, of travel and jobs all over the globe and basically just getting out of the small shitty short minded town he grew  up in.

And now it’s almost there. He has just _graduated_ for god’s sake and he just has to endure three more months of summer and saving up money before he can go and live his dreams.

The saving up money is important though, because he got offered a scholarship at an English university, but he needs money for rent and other things. If he doesn’t get a job and saves enough money this summer, he has to go with his second choice, which is a university only half an hour drive away from his childhood house, which is, well, not really what he’s going for.

So that’s why he finds himself  in the mall the day after graduation, asking at every shop or café if they have a job opening for him.

Unfortunately, he’s not the only one who had the brilliant idea to get a job during the summer, because he’s blown off everywhere with the excuse of “We already have enough people, sorry”. It’s getting seriously frustrating and Luke needs a break.

That’s how he finds himself wandering into ‘Neverland’, a small coffee shop tucked away in a far corner of the mall. He’s never really seen it before, but it catches his attention now and it’s definitely better than the other coffee shops, because he has visited all of them to ask for a job and it would just be awkward to walk in there and admit he still hasn’t found anything.

So he heads inside Neverland and almost trips over something on the floor, being able to catch himself last minute.

He yelps and looks down, only to find out he just slammed his foot into the crawling body of a guy that looks about his age, with slightly curly blond hair and bright green eyes and Luke’s breath momentarily gets taken away.

“Well, excuse you.” The boys says indignantly, like he wasn’t the one at fault, despite being on the floor right in front of the door on hand and knees for no apparent reason whatsoever.

“I’m sorry.” Luke mumbles, extending a hand out to the boy to help him up.

The boy looks at Luke’s hand and shakes his head. “No, no, I need to find my glasses first.” He says and then promptly crawls off, looking under tables while he’s at it.

Luke frowns but decides to let it go for now. He finally has the chance to properly look around the coffee shop now. It’s small, with tables scattered all over. It has a bit of abandoned, worn down look, but it actually sort of works, makes him feel at home a bit. He’s the only one there, safe for the boy behind the counter, a tall gangly boy with green hair that’s glaring at him.

The boy is perched on the counter, swinging his legs back and forth, looking at Luke like he wants him death  and Luke feel s a little less at home.

“Eh, hi?” Luke says as he approaches the counter. The green haired boy says nothing, just hops off the counter and gets behind it.

“What do you want?”

Luke swallows. “Eh, hot chocolate please.” He mutters and the guy nods curtly, turning around to prepare Luke the drink.

“Don’t mind him, not a big fan of, well, people in general.” The boy on the floor says. He looks up at Luke with a smile and promptly crawls into a table.

“Ok, that’s it, get up, you.” Luke says, heading over to where the boy is rubbing his forehead with a pained expression on his face. “I’ll go find your glasses.” Luke ads, as he hoists the boy up and shoves him in a chair.

The boy seems like he wants to protest, opening his mouth to do so, but then shuts it again, realizing it is probably indeed better if Luke looks for his glasses.

Luke finds them within minutes, laying abandoned in a corner of the counter. He hands them to the boy who smiles  brightly at him.

“Thank you!” The boy says, shoving the glasses back on his nose.

Luke realizes he has made a mistake, because the guy looks actually even cuter with the glasses on.

“I’m Ashton.” The boy says, bright smile on his face, extending his hand toward Luke.

Luke takes it and Ashton shakes it enthusiastically. A bit too enthusiastically, maybe. Luke thinks it’s cute nevertheless. “I’m Luke.”

Behind them the green haired boy slams Luke’s drink on the counter, spilling a bit of chocolate milk over the rim of the cup.

“Careful!” Ashton exclaims, before turning back to Luke. “That’s Michael. Welcome to Neverland.”

Luke turns around to grab his hot chocolate and wave his fingers at Michael, but Michael just scrunches up his nose and disappears in the back.

“ Like I said, not very good with people.” Ashton says, sending an apologetic smile in Luke’s direction.

Luke shrugs. “It’s ok.” He says, sitting down at one of the tables, Ashton immediately sitting down in front of him.

“So, what are you doing here? Not that it’s not nice that you’re here. It’s just, not a lot of people come in here, if I’m honest.” Ashton says, propping his head on his heads and looking at Luke expectantly.

“Eh, I was just looking for a job, but it’s not really going well, so I decided to take a short break.” Luke says, gesturing at his hot chocolate.

Ashton suddenly sits up a little straighter, looking at Luke with sparkling eyes. “You’re looking for a job? We are looking for employees!” He excitedly says, running over to the counter to come back with a piece of paper and a pen.

“Here, write your phone number and name down and I’ll give it to my boss. He’ll probably do this thing where he pretends you have to go to this whole elimination process but in reality you’re the first possible employee we had in two weeks so I’m pretty sure you’ll get the job.” Ashton babbles, shoving the paper and the pen in Luke’s hands.

Luke stares at the paper a bit dumbfounded, but then Ashton’s nudging his hand and he writes down his phone number and name almost on auto-pilot.

A job is a job, really. Plus, he wouldn’t really mind spending a bit of extra time with this cute bouncy boy in front of him.

Luke drinks his hot chocolate and leaves the coffee shop soon after, waving at Ashton, who excitedly waves back and yells “See you soon!”

When he steps out of the mall, he can’t stop the smile from creeping on his face. All and all, that was a successful afternoon.

\--

Luke gets the job. His new boss indeed pretends he has to go to this whole elimination process and that he’s apparently ‘the chosen one’, but he gets the job nonetheless and he’s never been so happy.

Getting out of here is just one small step closer.

The actual job itself is pretty fun. He still doesn’t really get along with Michael, but Ashton’s a blast to have around and there’s never really much customers, which leaves plenty of time for mucking around.

“Ok, so you go grab those two chairs and stack those there, because those are slightly bigger and I think we have a solid base for our pyramid there.” Ashton instructs Luke as he’s standing on a table.

Luke rolls his eyes but drags the chairs over to Ashton anyway, and Ashton starts stacking them on top of the perfect line of tables he had made earlier.

They’re halfway a pretty decent pyramid, albeit slightly wobbly, when a bunch of giggling girls walk inside. Luke and Ashton both freeze, both with a chair in their hands.

“Hello ladies.” Ashton eventually says, throwing the chair away, the thing falling on the floor with a loud clattering noise that makes Luke cringe, before he saunters over to the group of girls.

“Sorry for the mess, we were… redecorating.” Ashton says, heading behind the counter to ring up the orders of the giggling girls.

“Yeah, I really like what you’ve done to the place.” Michael suddenly says, appearing from the back, his eyes scanning over the mess of tables and chairs in the room. He sounds sarcastic. Luke thinks he probably is.

The girls pay for their drinks and head out again, but not before at least two of them slip Ashton little notes with their numbers on them. Luke rolls his eyes. Ashton winks at the girls but then promptly dumps the notes in the trashcan the minute the girls have left.

Luke raises his eyebrow in Ashton’s direction, because beside the enormous amount of giggling, the girls were actually pretty cute. Ashton shrugs. “Not really my type. Nor my gender.”

Which is, well, ok. This makes things a little more interesting for Luke. Because like, he thought Ashton was pretty cute, but the fact that he’s gay also makes them a little more accessible. “Yeah, same.” He says, staring straight at Ashton, who smiles back, before grabbing the chair he threw on the floor earlier.

“You know, I don’t think this is going to work after all. We’re just not really cut out to be pyramid builders, I guess. Let’s clean up.” He says, placing the chair back on its four legs.

Cleaning up apparently means Luke doing the cleaning while Ashton sits on top of a table and claims to be the Pharaoh of Egypt and therefore does not have to do anything.

Luke looks at Michael for help but Michael shakes his head, mouthing “You thought this was a good idea, you clean it up.”

Luke wants to disagree with him, because he didn’t think this had been a good idea from the beginning, but then he probably has to explain that he can’t say no to Ashton because he has _dimples_ which means Luke will probably do anything Ashton says because he’s very weak when it comes to dimples, so he keeps his mouth shut.

\--

“What are you doing.” Luke says as he walks into Neverland a few days later. It’s not really a question, more a statement, because it’s half past seven in the morning and Luke is tired and Ashton’s laying on the floor, looking at something in the corner of the room while holding a pair of binoculars to his face.

“Ssh, I think I just saw him.” Ashton whispers, waving his hand in Luke’s direction absentmindedly.

“Saw _what,_ Ashton.” Luke says, staring down at the boy. He wonders were Michael is. Michael probably got the fuck out of there the minute Ashton started waving the binoculars around. Smart boy. Luke wishes he was able to just walk out on Ashton like that, but Ashton’s laying on the floor and his shirt is riding up a bit and he can see a small strip of the tanned skin of his back and the curve of his ass is a lot more prominent now and Luke’s just really weak when it comes to cute boys.

“The _monster._ ” Ashton mutters, suddenly snake crawling closer to the corner of the room.

Luke quirks an eyebrow. “The monster?”

Ashton nods. “Yes. The monster.”

“We have a monster here? You know , even if we do, I’m pretty sure monster hunting’s not in the job description. Shouldn’t you leave stuff like this to, you know, professionals?” Luke says, slightly exasperated. He needs coffee. He also needs Ashton to stop looking at him with that adorable pout on his face.

“I _am_ the professional.” Ashton says and suddenly he’s leaping forward and screeching “AHA!” before jumping back to his feet, holding a tiny kitten in his hands. “See! Told you there was a monster!” Ashton excitedly says, walking over to Luke, cradling the kitten in his arms. It lets out a soft meow.

Luke sighs. “You know, when you said monster, I at least expected something a little more… dangerous. Not this adorable little thing.”

Ashton frowns. “Don’t underestimate Nibs, Luke. He’s a dangerous animal. Look, he even has claws!” Ashton says, holding up the kitten’s paw and waving it in Luke’s direction.

“You named it. Of course you did.” Luke says. It comes out a lot more fond than he intended.

“Yes! Actually I thought it would make a nice addition to the shop. We could put a little cat basket in the corner and some milk and food and let people pet them. That’s a good idea right?”

It isn’t. It’s the worst idea ever because it means Ashton’s going to be cuddling those kittens _all the time_ (he knows Ashton well enough to know he won’t be able to resist cuddling with kittens) and it’s probably going to look adorable and Luke’s going to _die_. Plus Ashton will do even less work, but it wasn’t like he already did a lot in the first place so that’s not that big of a chance.

But Ashton’s looking at him with these huge puppy eyes and he’s pouting and he’s also holding a _kitten._ Luke is so so weak.

“Where, where does it even come from?” Luke asks, trying to avoid having to give an answer.

Ashton shrugs. “The ally I think? Must’ve snuck in when we were closing yesterday, because it was already here when I got here. But it looks pretty starved out so I don’t think it has an owner.” Suddenly Ashton’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, Luke, what if there are _more_?” He says and suddenly the little kitten, _Nibs,_ gets shoved into Luke’s arms and Ashton’s running towards the kitchen, where the door to the ally is.

Luke sighs and starts petting Nibs absentmindedly. “He’s mental, isn’t he?” Luke says, staring at where Ashton’s run off too. Nibs meows. Luke nods sagely, like he totally understands what the kitten is saying. “Yeah, same.”

\--

There are more kittens.

Six of them in total and they’re adorable and after they’ve gotten permission from their boss to keep them Ashton has given them their own little basket in the corner of the café and he cuddles with them so much that the kittens have apparently accepted Ashton as their leader and just sort of follow him around everywhere.

Luke’s the one who ends up taking care of them though, making sure they always have enough food and water and that they do their business outside but he doesn’t mind, because it means he gets to watch Ashton  explain to the kittens that the floor is lava and that they have to climb on the tables to avoid getting burned (the kittens don’t understand him though (obviously) and just paw at Ashton’s pant legs and bump into each other a lot).

Michael seems to like the kittens too, which is a surprise. Luke always forgets that Michael has been putting up with Ashton’s shit long before Luke had too and that he might roll his eyes and sigh a lot, he’s become pretty ace at just accepting Ashton’s every whim.

Luke is watching Michael know, as one of the kittens hops from the counter onto his shoulder and starts pawing at the tufts of green hair, leaving Michael laughing and trying to get the kitten of his shoulder.

The kittens actually bring in new customers too, people who drink their coffee while watching the little kittens wobble around the shop, sometimes petting them or letting them sleep on their laps.

The downside of the business is that Luke has a lot less time to really hang out with Ashton, instead standing behind the counter to help Michael make the drinks while Ashton excitedly talks to customers while ‘sweeping the floor’ (at least he’s holding a broom, so that’s already more than expected of him, really).

But this does mean Luke has even more chance to really look at Ashton. To see him work and see him interact with people with this small smile on his face that makes Luke want to squish his cheeks and places small kisses on his nose and fuck he is so gone for this boy.

“Earth to Luke? Hello!” Someone says, waving a hand in front of his face. The owner of the hand is Michael, who’s glaring at him.

“Get back to work.” He says, shoving a paper cup in Luke’s hands.

Luke sighs. Some things will never change.

\--

“Luke?”

“Here!” Luke shouts, from the back of the small kitchen that’s behind the counter. They’ve run out of cupcakes, so he’s making new ones and since it’s not really busy he decided to wait for them to finish cooking rather than get back to the counter to face Michael’s wrath.

“Oh, there you are.” Ashton suddenly appears around the counter and smiles at Luke.

“Here I am.” Luke says, a bit lamely as he spreads his arms. He’s sitting on the countertop, but jumps off of it the minute Ashton holds up his arm, that seems to be covered in blood.

“Fuck, Ash, what happened?” Luke says as he rushes towards Ashton and grabs his arm, examining his wounds.

“One of the kittens got a bit rowdy.”Ash says with a shrug.

Luke nods, not really paying attention, already grabbing a clean cloth and wetting it before slowly dabbing Ashton’s arm with it. “You gotta be more careful with them Ash.” He says as he has cleaned off most the blood. They scratches are actually not really that bad, quite small actually, but they’re bleeding a lot.

Ashton looks down. “Yeah, I know. It’s just, they’re really cute, you know?” He says looking up through Luke through his eyelashes.

Luke sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

Ashton looks a bit sad and almost on instinct Luke leans down and presses soft kisses to the scratches the kittens have left.

When he pulls away he freezes because _‘what the fuck why did he do that what had gotten into him why’._

He finally collects the courage to look up at Ashton and when he does Ashton’s gone slightly red, but he’s smiling and mumbles a soft ‘thank you’.

Luke quickly focuses on Ashton’s arm and sticks band aids on the wounds before sending him on his way again.

Luke desperately tries to will down the butterflies in his stomach as he watches Ashton skip out of the kitchen.

He is so utterly fucked.

\--

The thing is, after since the arm kissing incident, Ashton seems to flirt with Luke a lot more than he used to. Like, Ashton sort of flirts with everyone, and he also sort of flirted with Luke, but Luke’s pretty sure Ashton’s full on flirting at this point.

Luke can’t really tell though, he’s never had really cute guys flirt with him. He’s never had anyone flirt with him, actually. It’s a bit confusing. It’s a lot confusing. Luke decides just to ignore it.

\--

“Do you think I could get away with painting the walls pink? The shop could use some color.” Ash says, looking up to Luke. They’re currently on their break and the weather is nice, so they decided to sit outside. The minute Luke sat down Asthon laid down and placed his head in Luke’s lap and now Luke’s just sort of trying to breath while he feels Ashton’s body heat seep into his thighs.

“Yeah, sure.” Luke says, not really paying attention, because he has a lap full of _Ashton_ and Ashton’s looking up to him with those huge eyes and there’s a smudge of chocolate on his cheek and Luke has to resist leaning down and kissing it off.

“Or green. Green would look cool too. But like lime green, not dark green.” Ashton continues, still staring up at Luke with bright sparkling eyes.

“But it would clash with Michael’s hair. He will not like that.”Luke retorts, and lets his hand absentmindedly slip into Ashton’s curls, carefully playing with the strands.

Ashton’s eyes immediately slip close and he lets out a content sigh. “Yelllow?”

Luke scrunches up his nose. “Yellow’s such an ugly color though.”

“Yeah,” Ash mumbles, apparently not really interested in the conversation anymore, instead opting for letting out another content sigh.

It’s silent for awhile then, Luke sitting there admiring Ashton (what else is new) while threading his fingers through the boy’s hair and Ashton seemingly sleeping, the only sign of live being the content noises he lets out every now and then.

As Luke’s watching Asthon, he realizes this is it.

This is the perfect time to ask Ashton out on an actual date.

But the minute he opens his mouth to speak the door to the coffee shop suddenly swings open and an annoyed looking Michael appears in the ally.

“Your break ended like five minutes ago. Get back inside you lazy shits.” He grumbles and Ashton suddenly leaps out of Luke’s lap.

“Kittens!” He exclaims happily before bouncing back inside. Michael smiles at him but his expression turns sour again when he turns to Luke. “I’m watching you.” He mutters as Luke walks past him and Luke sends him a confused look.

“You fucking hurt him and I will find you, Hemmings.” Michael ads and Luke quickly hurries back inside to avoid looking at the death stare Michael is sending him.

All right then.

\--

So maybe it becomes a thing then, Ashton and Luke spending their break together outside. Sometimes Ashton will place his head in Luke’s lap and demanding Luke to pet his hair and sometimes they will just sit side by side and talk and sometimes Ashton will drag Luke to his feet and turn on shitty music on his phone and demand Luke to dance with him.

 (“You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!”  Ashton belts out along to the music as he twirls around in the middle of the ally. “Come on, Luke!” He says, grabbing Luke’s arms and Luke stumbles forward.

Ashton laughs and grabs Luke’s hips to steady him and his hands stay there a little longer than necessary but before Luke can really focus on it he’s pulled into a pirouette and they spin and spin until they get dizzy and collapse on the floor laughing.)

It’s fun, Luke’s really having fun and with every single time he talks to Ashton he falls in love with him a little bit more.

It’s just, Ashton makes him feel _alive._ Luke’s always been hell bent on growing up and being an adult and going to college and achieving things that he always sort of forgot to enjoy his childhood until he thought it was too late.

But Ashton shows him it’s never too late to have fun and be a little bit childish and it’s really refreshing.

He needed this, he needed someone to show him how to be a kid before he goes off after the summer to go and be a proper adult and he’s grateful for it.

He might also be falling a little bit in love with Ashton, but that’s just a minor detail.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a lot shorter than it turned out OOPS but all right
> 
> this second part took another fucking week to write because i was super busy and then whenever i actually had the time to write i ended up playing cards against humanity instead im obsessed this is a serious issue
> 
> BUT I DID IT. I FINISHED IT.
> 
> yet again this is for my boo [chelle](http://itssopunkrock.tumblr.com) because i love her loads and she's basically the reason this fic exists in the first place

There’s a boy coming in regularly now. He has jet black hair and muscular arms with tattoos scattered all over them and Luke doesn’t even know his name because no one has introduced him yet but he seems to know Michael (gets along with Michael, even) and he flirts with Ashton and Luke isn’t jealous, he isn’t, he definitely isn’t.

Except maybe he is. A little bit.

It’s just, the boy keeps talking with Ashton and sending him pretty smiles and winking and Ashton’s doing it _back,_ all pretty smiles and cute giggles and Luke’s going to slam his head through a wall.

He doesn’t even have the right to be this pissed at the boy, because Ashton’s not his and Ashton can do whatever the fuck he wants and he doesn’t even know Luke likes him so it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose.

It just, it _hurts._

Luke really thought they were getting somewhere, thought Ashton and him had this flirting thing going on that was actually leading to eventual dates and a short and fun summer fling before Luke has to head off and Luke wanted that, he really did.

He still does.

But now Ashton’s leaning his head on his hands to stare intently at the boy through his eyelashes and the boy is smirking at Ashton and Michael suddenly pops up and laughs at something the boy says and _really?_

Luke honestly feels left out right now. Like he has his nose pressed to the window of a house that’s hosting a party he wasn’t invited too.

Ashton laughs and he throws his head back and gets these crinkles by his eyes and Luke just wants to curl up on the floor and lay there for a bit.

\--

He learns the boy’s name eventually.

It’s Calum.

He only knows this because one morning he walks in to find Ashton and the boy standing at the counter, giggling at each other again, but this time the boy is sliding a piece of paper in Ashton’s direction and says, “text me, yeah? We need to discuss a time and place.” And Ashton nods and then the boy is sauntering off, but Ashton yells “Bye Calum!” and that’s how Luke learns the boy’s name.

And that’s how he also learns that Ashton has a date.

He kind of feels like crying because once again he was too slow and now the boy he fell in love with is being whisked away by this other guy but it’s 8am and Ashton’s right there and he can’t cry right now, not here.

During their break Ashton excitedly bounces over to Luke to drag him outside but Luke declines and says he thinks he’s coming down with a cold and should probably stay inside. Ashton pouts but eventually wanders off without him.

Luke watches him leave with a sad smile on his face.

\--

Luke genuinely thought he was above this. He thought he was above sulking, above letting the sadness seep into his bones until it weighs him down and all he wants to do is forget, forget, forget.

Forget about the way Ashton smiles, laughs, talks, forget about how Ashton’s dating someone else and will never be his, forget about Calum and his stupid tattoos, forget about it all.

So he goes to some local bar and sits there alone as he orders a beer, and another, and another, and another and before he knows it’s he’s four beers in and the world is getting blurry and his mind is getting hazy and he’s starting to forget but it’s not enough because he still remembers how it felt to rake his hand through Ashton’s hair, how it felt to have his head on his legs, how it felt to have him close to him, so he orders another beer.

By the time he lost count the world is spinning and everything is a blurry mess and Luke’s pretty sure if he gets up from the barstool now he will fall on the floor and just lay there for awhile and it’s not even worth it because he still remembers Ashton and his smell and his laugh and it’s _horrible_.

He doesn’t think he’s ever going to forget Ashton because he can see the boy’s eyes so clearly in his mind, the green blue swirl and they seem to be worried which is weird because Luke doesn’t think he’s ever seen Ashton worried but it’s ok because it looks cute and that’s the last thing he remembers before everything turns black.

\--

He wakes up to the sun shining in his eyes and a pounding in his head. The minute he tries to open his eyes he quickly shuts them again because it _hurts._ He groans and reaches for his nightstand, where he knows a glass of water should be, like always.

Except, the nightstand seems a lot further to reach so Luke scoots a bit closer to the edge of the bed but suddenly he’s grasping into thin air and he loses his balance and promptly falls of the bed.

“Fuck!” He exclaims, grabbing his head in pain.

“Language, Hemmings.” A voice speaks from the doorway and Luke’s eyes practically fly open. Because that’s not his mother’s voice. Nor his dad’s. No, that’s… that’s Ashton’s voice.

“Ash?” He mumbles and he hears a laugh coming from somewhere in the direction of the doorway.

He focuses his eyes on where the laughing is coming from and as he takes in his environment he suddenly realizes that it’s not his room.

Where the fuck is he?

“You’re in my room.” Ashton says, when he apparently sees the confused look on Luke’s face. “You, eh, had a little bit too much to drink last night and I took you home.” He says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

Luke groans and buries his face in his hands, memories of last night flooding back into his mind. “Oh my god, you were there?” He mumbles.

“Yes, I, eh, I go there for a drink sometimes. Didn’t expect to bump into a shitfaced Luke Hemmings, but it was a nice surprise.” Ashton, says, finally walking over to Luke and helping him up from where he’s still on the floor.

Luke notices Ashton’s in his boxers and so is he and suddenly his face pales. “Oh my god, we didn’t.. We didn’t _do_ anything, did we?” Luke asks, slightly terrified. God knows what drunk him even got up to.

Ashton laughs. “Don’t worry. Nothing happened.” Luke sighs a breath of relief.

“Although you did try to kiss me, but I politely declined, since you were smashed of your face and I would quite like you to remember our first kiss.” Ashton says with a smirk and what.

Luke has to process that for a bit, because his head is still pounding and he feels like mold but Ashton wants to kiss him, or he thinks that’s what Ashton’s implying and also he tried to kiss Ashton and he’s pretty sure his head’s going to explode soon.

“What?” He eventually croaks out and Ashton smiles at him and hands him a glass of water and an aspirin.

“Just take these and put on some clothes, I’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen with breakfast.” Ashton says before pressing a kiss to Luke’s forehead, grabbing a t shirt of the floor and bouncing out the room.

Luke is honestly so confused as to what is happening right now but he’s too tired and too hung over to really think about it, so he just takes the aspirin and grabs a shirt from the floor, just as Ashton had done earlier. As he pulls it on he notes it smells slightly like Ashton and he slightly smiles at that.

He checks his appearance in the mirror and quickly runs a hand through his hair to make himself a bit more presentable, even though it’s pretty much hopeless.

He eventually shuffles out the room and goes in search for the kitchen, which is pretty easy to find since Ashton lives in a tiny box of an apartment.

He quietly swings the door open only to find Ashton standing there loudly singing along to the radio while he’s flipping pancakes. He’s still not wearing any pants and he’s wiggling his butt along to the music and it’s parts adorable and really sexy and fuck what did Luke even do to deserve this.

Suddenly Ashton is turning around and smiling brightly at Luke as he ushers him to one of the chairs placed around the tiny dinner table and hands him a plate of pancakes and asks him if he wants anything to drink and then goes off to make pancakes for himself and Luke’s hit with a weird sense of peace at the domesticity of it all.

He should feel awkward, he really should, because apparently he got so drunk that he tried to _kiss_ Ashton and Ashton was still nice enough to take him to his house and tuck him into bed and make him breakfast in the morning and this should literally be the most awkward thing he has ever done, but Ashton’s at the stove asking him questions about work and what he’s going to do later and it’s ok really, not awkward at all.

Until Asthon sits down across from Luke and leans his head in his hands. “So, about last night…” He starts and Luke groans.

“Can we please not talk about that? I was in a bad place and I might’ve said or done some things that I didn’t mean and I was really drunk and I’m sorry ok? But thank you for taking care of me, no everyone would’ve done that.” Luke murmurs, refusing to look at Ashton and instead focusing on his pancakes.

“Bad place? What happened? Are you all right?” Ashton asks, and he sounds genuinely worried, which is weird. Luke doesn’t think Ashton ever worries about anything.

Luke quickly shakes his head. “No, no it’s fine, I thought alcohol was the solution, that alcohol could help me forget, but all it did was give me a horrible headache and no recollection of what happened last night and I still haven’t forgotten.”

Saying it out loud makes him wonder if Ashton does things like this with Calum. Makes him wonder if they’ve planned their date yet, if Calum will sleep in the bed Luke slept in, except then with Ashton right beside him, if Calum will sit on this exact chair staring at Ashton with little hearts in his eyes and a soft, secret smile on his face, if Calum will lean over and press a kiss to Ashton’s cheek and honestly Luke feels like he’s going to puke.

“Luke? Are you sure you are all right?” Ashton still sounds worried and Luke smiles weakly.

“Yeah, just hung over, you know.” He mumbles and pushes the last pieces of pancakes around on his plate. He’s suddenly not really hungry anymore.

“Luke, I, I need to ask you something and I need you to promise me you will answer me honestly.” Ashton says, fiddling with his hands. He looks nervous and Luke is a bit confused.

“Yeah, sure, I promise.”

“Would you,” Ashton starts, looking up to Luke through his eyelashes, “would you still kiss me now that you’re sober?”

Luke freezes. Luke actually freezes, fork with a piece of pancake halfway his mouth and stares at Ashton with panic in his eyes.

He can do two things right now. Say yes and see what happens, possibly embarrass himself, maybe loose this friendship with Asthon, but at least living with the knowledge that he tried, that he did it and that he never lied.

Or lying and never knowing if he and Ashton could work.

Which reminds him, it’s not like he and Ashton could work in the first place, since Asthon has Calum.

“Does it matter? I mean, it’s not like it would change anything.” Luke says, trying to keep a straight face.

Ashton frowns. “Why wouldn’t it?”

“Are you serious, Ashton?” Luke says, raising his voice slightly. “Why wouldn’t it? Are you fucking serious? You are acting like me admitting I might want to kiss you is not going to change anything! Fuck man, it is! It’s going to be awkward as hell between us, Ash, I mean, you have a boyfriend for god’s sake!” Luke spats, aggressively pushing his plate away from him, no longer hungry.

“Boyfriend?” Ashton asks, confused frown on his face.

“Or dating person, or fuck buddy, or whatever the fuck Calum is to you.” Luke grumbles, folding his arms.

“Calum?” Ashton asks confused, before he honest to god starts laughing.

“Well, glad one of us finds it funny.” Luke mumbles, but he’s pretty sure Asthon can’t hear him.

“Calum and I aren’t dating, Luke. We’re just friends. Actually not even that. He’s a friend of Mikey’s and he just moved here and he needed an apartment and I was helping him find one, since I have some connections here and there. I don’t know why you thought him and me were dating, but fuck no. He’s not really my type.” Ashton explains. “He gave me his number so I could show him the apartment one of my friends used to rent.”

“You two were flirting though.” Luke mutters, and this time Ashton does hear him.  

“What’s a bit of flirting between two friends, Luke? It honestly didn’t mean anything. Not to me. I’m interested in… someone else.” Ashton says, as he flushes bright red and looks down at the table.

Luke’s heart shatters for like the millionth time in the past couple of days. Honestly, when he got that tiny little bit of hope again after finding out Calum and Ashton weren’t actually dating it got crushed again by this fucking bombshell. Luke’s going to move to Antarctica and never interact with another human being again. He’ll just become friends with a penguin pack and pretend he’s one of them for the rest of his life. Yeah, that should be fun. Probably includes a drastic decline in heartbreaking moments with his crush.

“Oh.” Is all he says, looking down at the table.

“Yeah.” Asthon says. “You still haven’t answered my question, though.”

Luke’s head snaps up and he’s suddenly feeling mad again. “Seriously, Ash? You are really not going to let this go, are you? Well, fine then. You really wanna know if I would kiss you sober Ash? Hell fucking yeah I would. Fuck Ash, ever since I met you, I have wanted to do nothing else than kiss you, ok?

I want to fucking kiss you when I come in to work in the morning and your eyes are positively shining with excitement for the new day and all I feel is tired, but I still want to press my mouth to the corner of yours and mumble a good morning before I actually start working.

I want to fucking kiss you whenever we have lunch together and you’re dancing around the ally and I want to grab you and pull you in and smash your mouth to mine and we can just forget the world for awhile, you and I.

And fuck, I want to kiss you right now, Ashton. All you have done so far today is break my heart but I just want to grab you and lift you up and set you down on the counter and kiss you until we can’t even breath anymore, so there you have it Ashton, your fucking precious answer. Yes I would fucking kiss you sober.” Luke has stood up somewhere halfway his speech so now he’s towering over Ashton who’s looking up at Luke with wide eyes.

“I’m leaving.” Luke says when a silence threatens to fall over them. He storms out of the room in the direction of the bedroom, where he knows his clothes still are. On his way there he pulls the shirt he’s currently wearing off, because Ashton’s smell is suddenly suffocating him and he needs to breath, needs to _breath._

“Luke, wait!” Luke hears Asthon yell behind him, but he ignores it, instead throwing Ashton’s shirt across the room and looking for his own clothes.

Suddenly Ashton is yanking his arm and turns Luke towards him and now they’re face to face and Ashton has a dead grip on Luke’s arms so it’s impossible to escape and Luke can’t _breathe._

“When did I ever say I didn’t want to kiss you back?” Ashton says, and suddenly he’s pressing his lips to Luke and it’s uncomfortable because they totally have the wrong angle and Asthon went for it a bit more aggressively than really necessary, but then Luke relaxes and Ashton releases his grip on Luke’s arm so he can wind his arms around his neck instead and _fuck._

This is all Luke ever dreamed of.

“Wait,” He suddenly mumbles, regrettably pulling away from Ashton. “What about your crush? What about the person you liked?”

Ashton’s confused frown turns into a smile. “That was you, you dork. You were my crush. I kind of liked you ever since you forced me to sit on that chair and retrieved my glasses for me. And then you went along with literally everything I did, but you still made sure nothing dangerous ever happened and I think I kind of fell in love with you a bit.”

Luke suppresses the incredible urge to face palm himself. They’re both a bit dumb, to be honest.

“I, I just, really?”

Ashton smiles. “Yes, really.” He says, before pressing his lips to Luke’s again.

\--

Ashton thinks they need to go on a date. Luke is pretty much fine with doing whatever Ashton says, as long as he gets to hold his hand and kiss his cheek every now and then.

Which is why they end up on a minigolf course at the edge of the town on a Sunday afternoon, golf clubs in hand and determined looks on their faces.

Well, Ashton looks determined. Luke just looks a bit worried.

“Have you’ve ever gone golfing before?” Luke asks, as he watches Asthon dramatically swing the golf club around.

“Nope.” Ashton says, and turns to smile at Luke. Except, he forgets he’s still swinging the club around and hits himself square in the face with the thing. Luke tries really hard not to laugh at the betrayed look on Ashton’s face.

“Oh my god, are you ok?” Luke asks, as Ashton furiously rubs at his cheek.

“No, it hurts.” He says with a pout and Luke quickly steps closer to him and carefully pulls Ashton’s hand away so he can study the spot the club hit him.

It’s not that bad, just a bit red and it’ll probably turn slightly blue in the upcoming days, but Ashton’ll survive. “It’s fine.” Luke says, quickly pressing a kiss to the sore spot, just like he had done last time Ashton had hurt himself. The only difference now being that he doesn’t get half a panic attack after pulling away, rather just leaving his hands to rest on Ashton’s face and giving him a proper kiss on his lips.

“Come on, you minigolf warrior, time to play some actual golf.” He mutters against Ashton’s lips and Ashton smiles.

“I’m going to defeat you, Hemmings, just you wait. At the end of this course I’m going to be victorious and you are going to be crying in a corner.” Ashton says, a mischievous glint to his eyes. He pecks Luke on the nose before running off to the first hole, swinging his golf club around once again and yelling what seemed to be war cries.

Luke genuinely wonders where the hell he got himself into, but he also can’t stop the fond smile that starts spreading over his face so he just grabs his own golf club and the golf balls and heads after Ashton.

\--

It’s a disaster. Luke and Ashton turn out to be very _very_ bad at golf and it kind of ends with them lying in the grass surrounding the holes and throwing golf balls at each other.

Eventually the supervisor politely asks them to leave by stomping over and declaring that they are disturbing the peace and that this is ‘a public environment, so if you two could either behave or leave that would be nice’.

“I still beat you.” Ashton says, as they leave the premises.

Luke raises an eyebrow. “Ash, you literally missed every hole and then proceeded to hit me with the golf club every single time it was my turn so I was unable to shoot properly. I don’t think that counts.”

Ashton grins. “Hey, I never said I was going to win fair.” He says, bumping his hip against Luke’s.

Luke laughs and holds out his hand, which Ashton quickly grabs. He laces their fingers together and Luke can’t get over how natural this feels, how natural it feel s for him to be holding Ashton’s hand, to laugh with Ashton, to be with Ashton in general.

It feels like home.

\--

Work is the same, kind of. Michael still glares at Luke, Luke still does all the work and Ashton still prefers talking to customers and goofing around above actually doing anything.

The difference is that now occasionally Ashton will skip over to Luke and press a kiss to his cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth.

Every time this happens, Luke’s smiles brightly, but before he can kiss back, Ashton will have already disappeared again.

It’s this comfortable rhytem they find themselves in, go to work, then after roam the town in search of ‘adventure’(at least that’s what Ashton calls it. Luke prefers ‘mindless wandering until Ashton decides it’s perfectly normal to have a mud fight in the middle of the park which means they come home covered in a thick layer of mud, but with cheeky smiles on their faces’). Sometimes, Luke will sleep over at Ashton’s house and sometimes Ashton sleeps over at Luke’s place (but after a few awkward run ins with his mother, Luke prefers Ashton’s place).

It’s all good, it’s nice, it’s comfortable.

And then Luke receives a letter.

Or more specifically, he receives another paycheck. He had been receiving them for awhile, of course, but then this one arrives and Luke looks at the number at the bottom of all the gibberish about hours worked and taxes and stuff and he realizes it’s enough.

He has enough money to pull through the first few months of living on his own in London, can afford an apartment, food and other necessities. He did it.

He can finally leave.

The itch he has been feeling under his skin for years, the one that told him he needed to leave, that he needed to get out of there, that he needed to see the world, the itch that had disappeared when he started dating Ashton comes back in full force.

He needs this, he needs this so bad, he needs to leave, he always has and now he _can._

_He can finally leave this hellhole._

He runs downstairs yelling to his mother and when he tells her he can see in her eyes that she’s sad to see her little boy go but he knows she also knows that this is what he wants, this is what he needs so she pulls him into a hug and presses a kiss to his forehead and tells him she’s proud of him.

\--

(“Do you ever think of leaving?” Luke asks Ashton later that night, as they are laying on the roof of Ashton’s apartment block, Ashton’s head in Luke’s lap, staring up at the sparkling stars.

“No, why would I?” Ashton responds, and Luke can’t see his face, but he sounds like he’s frowning.

“I just, don’t you ever get, like, bored? Of this town, of the people in it, of your life?” Luke asks, thinking about the itch under his skin and wondering how it feels to never have felt that.

“Nope. There’s enough adventure here, I never want to leave this place if I’m honest. I love it way too much. Why, do you?” Ashton sits up, lifting his head from Luke’s lap.

“Sometimes.” Luke says, avoiding Ashton’s eyes. He can’t bring it in him to tell Ashton about London. He doesn’t know how to tell him, doesn’t want to tell him, scared that Ashton will get mad, scared that Ashton will leave.

He knows he’s being a hypocrite, because in the end he’s going to be the one that’s leaving, but he wants to have those last few weeks with Ashton, wants to have him all to himself, doesn’t want his move to London to come between them, doesn’t want it to end like this.

All he needs is a little bit more time with Ashton, before he’s ready to go. A little bit more adventure, a little bit more fun, before he’s ready to go and be a proper adult.

He just needs Ashton, really.

“Oh.” Ashton says. He lays back down again, but this time he’s next to Luke. They’re close, but they aren’t touching and to Luke it feels like someone just built the wall of China between them. He wishes he never brought it up.

“Yeah.” Luke eventually says, before focusing back on the stars. They seem less bright than before.)

\--

“What are you doing?” Michael asks, peering over Luke’s shoulder while Luke is focused on his laptop screen. It’s the first nice thing Michael has said to him ever and Luke is willing to grab every chance for some friendly conversation.

“Looking for apartments in London.” He says shuffling aside a bit so Michael can properly see the screen, where indeed a list of rentable apartments in London is pulled up.

Michael scrunches his eyebrows together. “Apartments in London? Why are you looking for apartments in London?”

“Moving there when summer vacation is over. Got into Uni there.” Luke mumbles, too focused on the one bedroom apartment in the heart of London that actually within his budget.

“Wait, you are leaving? You are moving to London.” Michael asks, and there’s a certain edge to his voice Luke can’t quite place, but he’s too focused on his laptop to really think about it.

 “Yeah, it’s always been my dream to leave this place.” Luke mutters, clicking ‘respond to ad’

“And other dreams never came along?” Michael asks, and that strange edge is still to his voice.

Luke shrugs. “No, not really. I literally have no reason to stay here.”

“Oh.”

Luke head snaps up, forgetting all about the advertisement with the perfect apartment, about Michael, who is standing next to him with an evil smile on his face and instead focusing on the person who had just spoken, on the person standing right on front of him.

Ashton

“Ashton, I-“ Luke starts, but Asthon cuts him off.

“Please, just, just save it.” He says, before turning around and stomping out of the door.

Luke furiously turns to Michael. “Happy?”

Michael holds up his hands in defense . “Hey, they were your words, not mine.”

And the worst thing is that Michael is right.

Luke had said those things, in a distracted state of mind and in a way they were true.

Leaving was his dream, leaving this shitty place was all he wanted.

But he was lying to Michael when he said that he didn’t have any new dreams. Far, in the back of his mind, he knows Ashton is slowly becoming his new dream, his new chance at a happy ending, but he can’t except it because it means letting go of everything he stood for for years, everything he fought for and he’s not that strong, he can’t just break away from something he wanted for so long for a boy he hasn’t even known that long

But a little piece of his heart is screaming at him, yelling that he needs to run after Ashton, that he needs to make this up, because he was lying, he was totally lying, Ashton has become just as important as that stupid Uni degree, just as important as getting out of here, maybe even more important.

So he does it. In a sense of absolute madness he runs for the door, after Ashton, to where he knows Ashton has disappeared to.

And indeed, when he walks into the ally they’ve shared so many memories in, Ashton’s there, leaning against the wall, tears streaming down his face.

He doesn’t notice Luke until he’s right in front of him, looking up to the slightly taller boy and immediately wiping his eyes and straightening his posture.

“Hi.” Luke says, and Ashton just scowls at him.

“What do you want.” Luke has never heard Ashton sound so… _harsh._ Ashton’s always sunshine and rainbows and suddenly he’s here, standing in front of Luke, with tear streaked cheeks and red, puffy eyes and a scowl on his face and Luke realizes it’s his fault, he made Ashton look this way, he made Ashton feel this way and he feels like he’s going to cry, too.

“I was going to tell you.” Is all that comes out, and Luke immediately cringes. That’s literally the worst thing he can say right now.

“Were you now.” Ashton spats, anger swirling in his eyes. “When, Luke? On the day you were leaving? While you were at the airport? Hell, were you gonna call me when you had arrived in London?” Luke shrinks a bit at every word until he feels like Ashton’s actually towering over him.

“Fuck, Luke, it’s not like I was expecting this relationship to go anywhere, I just thought, I just thought we meant something to each other, all right? And hearing you say that, hearing you say that leaving is easy, that you have nothing here, fuck, that hurt, Luke! That motherfucking hurt!” Ashton’s on the verge of  tears again and Luke wants to do nothing else but pull him into a hug and press kisses to his hair and tell him everything is going to be fine, but he knows he can’t, knows it’s not a good idea right now.

“I didn’t mean it. You just, you do mean something to me, I just, I didn’t want Michael to know. I didn’t want Michael to know how much you meant to me, you were never meant to hear that, it’s not true.” Luke can hear his own voice rising, hears the edge of panic in it.

“But you are still leaving.” Ashton says.

Luke shakes his head. “I don’t. I don’t know, Ash. I want to, I really do, but seeing you run out like that, seeing you leave my life at a lightning speed, I don’t know anymore, Ash, I really don’t. I want to stay, I really do, I just, leaving was my thing, Ash. It’s what I felt like I needed to do for my entire life and I can’t, I can’t just give that up, not now, not now it’s so close. But you, fuck, Ash you mean the world to me, I don’t know if I can leave you behind.”

“I’m going to make you.”Ashton says, determined look in his eyes.

Luke raises a confused eyebrow. “What?”

“I’m going to make you stay.” Ashton says and then he’s grabbing the front of Luke’s shirt and pulling him forwards to smash his lips against Luke’s and momentarily Luke forgets all the problems in the world.

\--

They’re ok again. Sort of. Luke possibly leaving is still hanging above them like a dark rain cloud, ready to soak them to the bone any second, but they’re ok.

Luke arranges with the owner of the apartment that it gets put on hold for him if he’s still leaving and

Ashton hugs Luke a little bit tighter every time they see each other and his kisses linger a little bit longer, but they’re ok.

Luke still sleeps over at Ashton’s house sometimes and Ashton will snuggle as close as possible to him during the night and sometimes Luke wakes up to Ashton’s fingers darting across his chest, like he’s trying to memorize the outline of Luke’s abs just in case. Luke keeps his eyes closed and pretends he’s still sleeping, but his heart breaks a little every single time.

The itch is still there, the itch to leave, to go see places, to go to _London,_ but there’s also an itch to delete his plane ticket, to tell the owner of the apartment he’s not taking it, to grab Ashton and throw him on the couch and cuddle with him till the room turns dark and they can barely see the outline of each other’s faces in the dark.

Luke watches Ashton’s eyes glisten with excitement as he tells Luke about this new trick he’s trying to learn the kittens (as if the kittens are willing to learn _anything_ ) and he’s flailing his arms around and demonstrating how he’s going to learn a _kitten_ how to play dead and Luke thinks ‘Yeah, yeah I can stay’.

But the itch remains.

\--

It’s the day before. Tomorrow a plane leaves from Australia to England, whether Luke is on it or not.

He’s at Ashton’s apartment, because when is he not these days, and Ashton made him a candlelit dinner and the entire time they exchange secret smiles and play footsie under the table and it’s so domestic Luke’s going to _cry._

They don’t mention London during dinner but when they’re in bed later and Ashton has wrapped himself all around Luke, he hears the dreaded words whispered into his collarbone.

“Please stay.”

And Luke _still doesn’t know._ Because even though his love for Ashton has only grown more and more, so has the itch to leave and he _can’t choose._ But he knows that’s not what Ashton wants to hear right now, so instead he whispers “I will.” And for a second he genuinely believes it, genuinely thinks he’s going to stay.

Especially when he feels Ashton smile against his collarbone and nuzzle a bit closer.

\--

Luke watches the houses get smaller, watches the streets turn into little lines, watches the city become a tiny little speck in the distance from his seat next to the airplane window.

He wonders if Ashton’s there, if Ashton’s looking up to the sky just like Luke’s looking down, wonders if Ashton cried when he woke up in an empty bed, wonders if Ashton is mad, wonders if leaving was the right choice.

He knows there’s always a little part of him that’s going to regret getting on the plane, but he also knows he couldn’t have stayed, because it would’ve driven him _insane._

He didn’t have a purpose down there, didn’t have anyone but Ashton and he would’ve become clingy and Ashton would’ve eventually left him and it wouldn’t have worked.

At least that’s what he keeps telling himself.

The plane has risen above the clouds now and Luke leans back in his chair, plugging in his earphones and drowning out the noise of the people around him, closing his eyes and trying to sleep.

\--

He never forgets.

He finds other people, befriends other people, loves other people, but in the back of his mind there’s always green eyes and a bright smile and he doesn’t think it’s ever going to leave him.

He likes to believe Ashton changed him for the better sometimes. Ashton made him feel alive, Ashton thought him how to live and not worry too much about what everybody thinks.

There are days he wishes he had stayed, whishes he had woken up that one dreadful morning, switched off the alarm clock and hug Ashton closer to his chest, pressing a kiss to his hair before falling back asleep, instead of carefully untangling himself and leaving without so much as a second glance (knowing that the minute he would turn around he would never leave).

The itch is gone, disappeared the minute he got off the plane, quickly replaced by a heavy feeling in his heart.

London is where he lives now, but his home will always be in Ashton’s arms, even though that’s the only place he can never go back to.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i kind of imagined those last few scenes with amnesia quietly playing in the background
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://skatertotluke.tumblr.com)


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